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SWEET & SOUR

How does one deal with Uma Bharati?

By Khushwant Singh

Incidence of eccentricity is noticeably higher among women politicians than their male counterparts.

Incidence of eccentricity is noticeably higher among women politicians than their male counterparts.

Though I can name quite a few Chief Ministers and Ministers of Central Cabinet who, if examined by psychiatrists, would have been certified as psychopaths needing to be institutionalised, the percentage of women in the same category is provably higher.

One does not have to go far to see how badly some men behave in Parliament and State legislatures (a few yell slogans oftener than make coherent speeches) but rarely have I seen one hurl papers at the Speaker before stamping out, threaten to cut off his hair or beard, or commit suicide if things don’t go their way. More women politicians are known to have indulged in such shenanigans.

Their behaviour is also more unpredictable. Mamta Banerjee is one notable for her chronic ill-temper and exploding into incomprehensible speech. Uma Bharati is equally unpredictable in her behaviour and goes many steps further than Mamta.

There is nothing of a sannyas about her except the saffron clothes she displays: she is full of worldly ambitions. She has the gift of the gab and can rouse illiterate mobs by her frenzied oratory.

She can win elections anywhere in the Hindi belt where the unlettered poor outnumber the literate. She talks of love for humanity: she did so in eloquent English after Asa Ram Bapu had ended one of his sermons. But she excludes Muslims and Christians from being worthy of her love.

She was amongst the principal instigators of the demolition of the Babri Masjid and has been charged for the crime along with Murli Manohar Joshi who she embraced exultantly when the dome came down.

She cannot make up her mind whether she wants to devote her life to meditation and prayer as a Sannyasin should, or again become Chief Minister of Madhya Pradesh.

All the feeding and kissing cows and calves is calculated to win the hearts of superstitious masses. I am glad BJP leaders have expelled her from the party. I hope they will stick to their resolve.

How does anyone deal with the likes of Uma Bharati? I know precisely what needs to be done to them but cannot spell it out. No editor will publish it. And I will be condemned as a male chauvinist.

Two Cheers

Eight victories in eleven outings,

Victories against the ‘second best’ teams of the world,

Had you ever imagined or heard!

Lamenting, lacerating despairing, debunking

The usual welcome to the men in blue

That was, and would have been the story of Indian cricket

But for the great tango of the great two,

Dravid and Greg, but Greg is the one

Who has a near-miracle done.

The feisty Aussie, a man of cunning and of imagination

A feisty Australian with his eye on World Cup 2007

A man who gave hope to young India and threw out the dead wood old,

A cold professional, a man of iron discipline

Whose ‘perform or perish’ mantra, but for Kolkata chauvinists

Might as well have for us the South African series won.

But the job is half, or less than half done

For, he is only an aussie, and a fingering one

Who knows not the depth of our nepotism and corruption,

And our politics’ curious turn

Which might even risk a rout, and throw him out

(Courtesy: Kuldip Salil, Delhi)

Mistaken identity

The judge looked angrily down at the prisoner in the dock, ‘Why, he asked, ‘did you kick and punch this man so brutally?’

‘Sure, and it was all a terrible mistake, your honour. I had taken alcohol and was a little confused. I thought it was my wife.’

(Contributed by Judson Cornelius, Hyderabad)