By Jason Miller

While it's a commonly held belief that "everyone has a nonbiological twin somewhere in the world," I wonder if we all have an antithetical "anti-twin" as well. Because I recently met someone who could easily be mine. Ironically enough, it was at the public library, one of my favorite haunts.

By Jason Miller

Click on the link below to see the hard-hitting photos that accompany this essay:

http://www.bestcyrano.org/T HOMASPAINE/?p=566

Canine. It's what's for dinner.

We pride ourselves on our devotion to the principle of equality here in the United States, so it's time to put our values where our mouths are, so to speak. Pigs, chickens, cows, and the like already endure abject suffering so we can consume their flesh, so it is only fair that we include "man's best friend." How could they better prove their deep loyalty to us than by sacrificing their lives to feed us?

New ad which will appear in the Sunday edition of the New York Times


New York, NY (Rotters)- In a vote of 3,100,000 to 100,000 yesterday, the members of a massive nationwide progressive political action group voted overwhelmingly to place a second ad in the New York Times this weekend condemning the U.S. Congress for wasting time condemning a previous ad condemning General David Petraeus as "General Betray us". The ad implies that both houses of Congress, in particular the leadership, are "Ass-kissing little chickenshits", a term which has been used to refer to General Petraeus by his superiors in the past.

Six of twelve lucky servicemen set for early rotation home aboard Air Force One


Al-Anbar, Iraq (Rotters) - Citing tremendous successes with his surge strategy during a surprise visit to Iraq, President Bush today announced that the Pentagon would be able to begin sending a number of GIs home early. A dozen serviceman will accompany the president to Australia for his meeting with Australian President John Howard and the APEC conference, after which they will return home to an early discharge if desired, with full honors.

President Bush moments before being bundled aboard Marine One for an emergency flight to Bethesda Naval Hospital


Kennebunkport, MN (APE) - President Bush was rushed via Marine One back to Bethesda Naval Hospital for emergent treatment of what doctors suspect was an exacerbation of chronic problems with lime. The president had flown earlier in the day to his parent's compound in Kennebunkport, for an extended visit and vacation with France's newly elected president Nicolas Sarcozy. Mr Bush apparently collapsed after losing an impromptu foot race with the French president, and after taking a few sips of a beverage for re hydration, according to the White House. This incident occurs after the president was given a clean bill of health by physicians following extensive examinations this week.

I confess.  I was unhappy when they said, "impeachment is off the table," but I dismissed it as a tactical dispute.  At least we knew there were "no more blank checks" and Congress would starve the beast by exercising the power of the purse.  When they capitulated, I was vexed.

When the AG told Congress he didn't recall any Constitutional guarantee of habeas corpus, I was stunned.   I didn't realize Art. I, Sec. 9 of the Constitution was a figment of my imagination.  At least that explains why no one uses it anymore.  

This week really surprised me, though.  I hear Congress just granted more unchecked powers to Gonzales.  I can't understand how that happened.  It's like no one recalls his testimony.  It was awhile before I figured out the problem: we haven't been supportive enough.

Instead of calling them Vichy Democrats who cower in front of glass-jawed bullies, we should be supporting them.  We've done it before.  We can do it again.  In 2006 we gave them a mandate.  You and I know the majority of America was behind them.  The problem was they didn't feel it.  That's our fault.  We need to show them we're behind them.

Working together, we can solve this ...

Space station astronauts on a recent EVA removing what was originally described as an ammonia tank from the space station


Houston, TX (APE) - NASA authorities are today admitting that the ongoing investigation into alcohol consumption by astronauts is now to include current and former occupants of the international space Station.  NASA officials have stated that they wish to question the current occupants of the space station specifically over the recent EVA in which an "ammonia tank" was removed and controversially jettisoned into space as junk

Two suspected British terrorists detained at Miami International Airport


Miami, FL (APE) - Transportation Security Administration authorities today confirmed the arrest of two British suspects in connection with a recent spate of what are described as "dry run" airline bombings. Authorities stated that the two may likely have been complicit in what are described as fake devices using modeling clay or block cheese that were seized in four separate incidents in the last two years at various US airports.

Education Secretary Margaret Spellings announced today
that former Hogwarts headmistress Dolores Umbridge has
been appointed as Under Secretary of Education in the
US Department of Education.

Vice President Dick Cheney exits his limousine after a private showing of the new Harry Potter movie "Order of the Phoenix"



Washington, DC (APE) - Daily activities around a Washington, DC Megaplex ground to a halt late yesterday afternoon as the vice president and his security contingent swooped in for an unannounced visit and the vice president took time out from his busy schedule to enjoy the latest Harry Potter film. Disgruntled moviegoers were forced to accept refunds or tickets for alternative shows as the entire complex was shut down by the Secret Service for over three hours.

Karl Rove and Robert Mueller cautioned the public against a new email scam set to emerge


Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a joint announcement this morning FBI Director Robert Mueller and special presidential assistant Karl Rove confirmed that over 140,000 of Rove's personal e-mails had been maliciously deleted from Republican National Committee servers by botnet programs apparently uploaded by spammers. Mueller stated that he had contacted Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and was working closely with the Justice Department in investigating the possibility of charging a group of arrested spammers with violations of the presidential records act, a 30-year-old law which mandates the archiving of all presidential correspondence.

"Scooter" Libby apparently attempts to turn up the heat on the White House


Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a stunning development, former vice presidential counsel I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby waved the estimated five weeks grace period in place before he would have to officially report for incarceration. He reported early today to an undisclosed federal penitentiary to begin serving his 2 1/2 year sentence for his role in the Valerie Plame scandal. Libby appears to be embracing a tactic employed recently by a number of other celebrities, including Martha Stewart and Paris Hilton.

While Mr. Libby's motives remained unclear, many Washington insiders felt that Libby and his legal team were attempting to take advantage of the groundswell of support from conservatives all over America and turn up the heat for an official pardon from President George W. Bush.

Paparazzi photo showing the hand of an unknown assailant seconds before the gangland style execution of soprano's creator David Chase


New York, NY (APE) - Fans outside of a New York City nightclub, Leotardos, were stunned earlier tonight as David Chase, the veteran Hollywood screenwriter and creator of the hit HBO series The Sopranos, was apparently executed in Mafia hit fashion by an unknown assailant. Witnesses said the assailant appeared out of nowhere and apparently fired three shots into the unsuspecting Chase before vanishing into the night. Chase had been attending a closing cast party with friends and family when the apparent execution occurred.