In an effort to increase the impact and effectiveness of President Bush's troop surge strategy, the Department of Defense announced today that "flat daddies" and "flat mommies" will be deployed to Iraq to fill out the ranks of active duty troops.

This announcement comes on the heels of reports that less than desirable civilians are being tapped by recruiters in a desperate attempt to increase the number of able-bodied men and women available for fighting in Iraq.

Though the new recruits may be able, they also have criminal records, histories of illegal drug use, and undesirable psychological and physical conditions. An undisclosed source has confirmed that U.S. military leaders are bracing for higher crime rates, greater mental health issues and increased desertion rates among their newly enlisted service personnel.