Here's how to fall in love the second time

The way to love post-divorce is tricky, but worth it, says Arathi Menon, fresh from writing her memoir on getting back into the dating game.

Finding love is rarely easy. Even more so, if you are looking for the second time. But, it's not an entirely fruitless venture, believes Arathi Menon, who has relived her experience of trying to find love after a split in her latest release Leaving Home With Half A Fridge.

The leap of faith

It's a no-brainer. You have burnt your fingers once, and you are going to be wary, suspicious and careful the second time around. That's a sign of intelligence. But the task at hand is to overcome your fear of failing again. Think of it this way: you are already over one of the worst phases of your life, survived it. The dating world can hardly be worse.

Gain clarity

To start meeting a fresh bunch of people and work towards building a relationship demands clarity. Personally, the period of court-mandated legal separation period was strange but interesting. Technically, I was still married, although separated. I'd suggest that those of you who are in this in-between phase tell yourselves you won't date again for a reasonable period of time. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get into something immediately. It helped that I waited.

However, if you are keen to meet new people, but lack mental clarity, communicate your intention to those you encounter. It's best to be ethical. You don't want to be playing games. You want to be in a positive territory. Treat people the way you'd like to be treated.

Fortunately, no one I met was too worried about my history. If someone you meet is scared of labels, they aren't right for you. You want someone with compassion. They should understand that it's been a difficult journey, and that pain's going to be a part of you.

30s make it scary

The good thing about dating when in your 30s is that with age comes wisdom, the ability to know yourself better. You know what you want, whether what you are feeling is physical attraction or something more. Experience does teach you more.

However, what you may need to gather is courage. In your 20s, dating doesn't demand it. It's normal; everyone is doing it.

Now, you are putting yourself out there after a breakdown. You are worried if you are attractive enough. Deal with it.

Finding someone

It's easy when you are being social and having a good time. But when it looks like it's getting serious, it's possible that you may be struck by anxiety.

There are two ways to approach this situation: either be cautious and tell yourself that you will never let yourself get hurt in that way again, or tell yourself, 'nothing can hurt me as much again, so why be scared?' Believe in yourself, trust yourself to make choices that are right.

The frog's brigade
Excerpted with permission from Pan MacMillan

The minute the universe knew I was single, it started rounding up the frogs it knew, the ones who didn't turn into a prince, and began sending them my way. Forget prince, they didn't even turn into a nice banking clerk...

The married man

Though I refer to this person in singular, it's actually in plural. Married men began crawling out of the woodwork as soon as they knew of my divorced status and started wooing me with a sickening creepiness. I knew their wives. They were such interesting women and would have had the guy's b**ls for breakfast if they knew what was happening. It is a logical truth that anybody single who is in an affair with a married man is an idiot who is being used. This sounds harsh but it is the truth. The guy gets the best of whatever worlds he wants, while the women wait. The wife when he is with her. She, when he is with his wife...

The scary part was that the married men who hit on me were interesting, funny, charming people, the sorts I would have loved to be married to. They didn't come with an aura of being jerks, but their actions were despicable. How does one know the man you are with is a decent bloke when all around you faith is broken and trust is compromised?

It was a tough balancing act. I didn't want to be perceived as a virginal touch-me-not, neither did I want to lead a married man on and get into a situation I couldn't get out of. I had a few rules to help me. Unless the man was an old friend, I never hung out with married men alone.

If a man, especially a colleague, a casual acquaintance, started bitching about his wife, I discouraged him. I assumed nothing till they made an explicit move and then with equal clarity I told them where they could go and shove their cheating selves. I had learnt to deal with an adult world that was messy and opportunistic. I had honed myself to be extra vigilant. And between being cool or cautious, I always chose cautious.

The assorted odd ones

The Floater: At forty, he was still looking for meaning in life and carried the angst of a teenager as the fire of his integrity. This type wants a babysitter, not a girlfriend.

The Square: He had lived too long in a routine he had perfected. He had no room for your eccentricities. If you wanted to share his life, you'd have to become a square - his square with the exact same dimensions. A millimetre more and he'd hammer you back into the right dimension - at your cost.

The Workaholic: He is scared. Suddenly and desperately, he feels he has missed out on love as he was too busy working. This fear will drive him to date but he can't stop working. The only time he has for a relationship is at night, when the office sleeps. If I was an insomniac this may have been a pleasant diversion.

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