Hi Bots, as you settle down to read your copy of the Telegraph, I am chilling on the balcony of my hotel room reading the Washington Post. No Bots, I am not reading the online edition of the Washington Post. I am reading a hard copy fresh from the shelves.  I am in Washington DC my friend. I am in America. I arrived here Saturday morning and immediately stood by the porch to emulate African Prince Akeem of Zamunda (Eddie Murphy). Remember the scene from the movie Coming to America where he stood bemused by the porch and shouted ‘’Good morning America!’’? Bots, the Americans have invited me to their country. I know you are trembling in disbelief and envy. You are probably on some ‘’you mean America America?’’. Yep! I am breathing the same air with Obama. Let me tell you why I chose to write you a letter from America. The objective is simple Bots: I want to leave you green with envy. I know how much you love America. I know how much you wish you could be me right now. You love America so much you have even declared enemies of America your enemies. You say whoever hates America, automatically hates you. I am still in shock Bots. Why are the Americans doing this to me? Kana they say they selected me because of my ‘’past achievements in Botswana and leadership potential’’. Yep! The Americans say I have leadership potential. The US government has invited me here under the auspices of the International Visitor Leadership Program (IVLP). I have been selected to attend the Edward R. Murrow Program for Journalists.

The IVLP is the U.S. Department of State’s premier professional exchange program. They say through the visits to the United States, current and emerging foreign leaders in a variety of fields get to experience Americafirst-hand and cultivate lasting relationships with their American counterparts. I am here to cultivate lasting relationships my friend. Just so you appreciate how important the IVLP is, our former presidents, QuettMasire and Festus Mogae, are alumni. Just imagine Bots, the Americans place me in the same league with Masire and Mogae. The Americans say every effort will be made to introduce me to a broad cross-section of professional, cultural and personal contacts. Personal contacts Bots!You see the Americans know us very well. They know that as an African, I would have wanted to tag along a family member or a friend so they made sure to write in their letter of invitation that this invitation is for me alone and no family or friends are allowed to accompany me. But don’t worry my friend. I will hug your American stars for you. I will hug Marion Jones for you. I will tell her you never stopped loving her even after she was disgracefully stripped of her medals for using illicit performance substances. You just think they were being jealous of her beauty. I will tell her how you rejoiced when she divorced that fat shot putter called CJ Hunter. The bastard was so bitter he reported Marion for using steroids. 

I will also make time to relay your regards to Rihanna. I will tell her how you kept us awake with her song, Cheers (drink to that), all night long in Khutse the other time. Bots I’m here thinking of a lot of things that I must do while in America. I am happy about my stay here but I am also scared. You see Bots, my intention is to live like civilized Americans during my time here. I want to take morning walks and evening jogs just like Americans who were raised properly. My worry is, what if the Police here mistake me for their shooting targets as it has been reported before where they are said to have shot black guys for no apparent reason? I am also concerned because I don’t know how they communicate with dogs here. What if I encounter a vicious dog during my jogs? Bots I doubt dogs here understand ‘fotsek’ means stay away.  Bots, there is a bizarre story that happened in Atlanta. A guy called Reuben Nsemoh suffered a concussion in a soccer game and fell into a coma. Guess what happened when he finally woke up. The guy woke up with a very rare condition called foreign accent syndrome. He woke up and suddenly speaks fluent Spanish. The kind of diseases they get here are unbelievable. I don’t want to fall into a coma but I wouldn’t mind being hit by the foreign accent syndrome. Just imagine arriving back home and speaking like Eddie Murphy or Chris Tucker. Indeed everything is possible in America. Bots I know you are sitting there and listening to me sounding like a man with no intentions to come back home. I’m weighing my options. I might decide to stay here for good. They will have to drag me kicking and screaming back into the aircraft. America is a nation of immigrants after all. They must give me citizenship. If they say there is no space I will tell them to give me the space that was left by our guy Jeff Ramsay when he went to settle in Botswana. If they refuse I will claim that my father is an American citizen and that should entitle me to citizenship. I will say Stevie Wonder is my father. I will tell them to take a closer look at our identical big foreheads. I will tell Stevie Wonder that I am his long lost son. I will tell him how I look exactly like him. 

He will have to believe me. I mean how can he possibly deny we look alike when he is blind? Another option for me to remain in America is if you do me a favour my friend. Ask the president of your country to change laws while I am here and make it constitutional for him to declare me a prohibited citizen. That way my hosts will be stuck with me. I will pretend to be devastated while enjoying the development. Oh yes I must perhaps also try and look for a job here Bots. That white guy who works as Kim Kardashian’s body guard is useless. Thieves broke into Kim’s hotel room while he was sleeping. I want to become Kim’s new bodyguard. Kim is a bimbo and I bet she will believe me when I say I was Nelson Mandela’s bodyguard. Kim doesn’t know the difference between South Africa and Botswana. She once came to Botswana and posted on social media that she was in South Africa. If Kim refuses to hire me then I will try that wealthy, illiterate boxer called Floyd Mayweather.  

He also has money but he is illiterate. He can’t even spell his own name. Even the way he spends his money depicts his illiteracy. Can you believe he bought a car for his dog? A dog howuhowu is chauffeur driven in a sleek German machine. I will ask for a job as his dog’s driver.  Bots, a few months back you travelled to the UK and regaled us with how you were eating life with a big spoon in London. I am not going to use a big spoon to eat life in America. I want to use intravenous infusion or what you blacks commonly refer to as a drip. I want the American life to be infused slowly and nicely into my system. You guys are lucky I am already in a committed relationship with that beautiful girl from Mandunyane. Had it not been the case, I was going to find myself a white all American chick and arrive in Khutse with her in tow. 

The bedazzlement was going to have you all flee into the bush. Bots I know haters are going to say my excitement resembles that of a kid in a candy store but just ask for their passports and you will find that the only place they have ever been to outside Botswana is Mafikeng. Let me stop here before I give you a heart attack. I have to get ready for Halloween tomorrow. Just imagine Bots, people here celebrate superstition and have given it a nice name, Halloween.  Good bye Bots, go and enjoy your Sunday jazz before your government closes pubs. Here we sleep when we want and not when the government dictates so.