How Can I Convince My Coworker Not To Give Lingerie In An Office Gift Exchange, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
How Can I Convince My Coworker Not To Give Lingerie As An Office Secret Santa Gift?
My office organizes a Secret Santa. The guy who has the desk next to mine told me today that he got the name of a colleague of ours with whom we eat often, and that as he heard her say once during lunch that it is a tradition in Spain (she is Spanish) to wear red underwear for the new year, he bought her red lingerie. He is quite friendly with her, but I still think it is a terrible idea. He is in his late 40 and married, and she is in her early 30 and single. They are at the same level and they don't work together, so he really sees her as a peer and doesn't agree with me when I tell him that this kind of present is entirely inappropriate. She will have to open it in front of the whole office. Even from a close friend I would not like it, so in a work context I believe it has the potential to become a huge problem. It could damage both of their reputations. I told him what I think and he disagrees with me. What else should I do ? I don't really want to let my colleague get this kind of present at work.
Alison Green agrees that lingerie is a highly inappropriate gift for an office Secret Santa exchange. "Since he's not interested in hearing from you, tell the person organizing the Secret Santa and suggest they intervene," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Convince My Girlfriend She Needs To Put Up With My Frequent Meltdowns?
I'm a 40-year-old woman who was just recently diagnosed as autistic, thanks to a mental health care system that routinely thinks women should have the same indicators as men, on whom diagnostic criteria were developed. I'm thrilled to get this diagnosis as it explains so much about me. One of the many things it explains is why I have "meltdowns" when I get extremely overwhelmed (I basically scream and say things that I don't really mean). I used to think I was an awful person for doing this and that these were basically temper tantrums that I needed to grow out of, but now I recognize it as something I can't necessarily control.
The problem is, my girlfriend is not as relieved as I am about this revelation about my meltdowns. She's not used to yelling (her previous partners didn't, her parents didn't, and she doesn't yell, either) and she has all but suggested that my behavior is abusive! We've been together for about a year now, and I'm worried she'll call it quits just because of this. My meltdowns, thankfully, never cause me to physically act out. How do I explain to her that my meltdowns are just something she needs to get used to?
[Slate]
Nicole Cliffe encourages the letter writer to figure out a plan to reduce her meltdowns and to acknowledge that her girlfriend has a right not to be yelled at. "She doesn't have to 'just get used' to being yelled at and being verbally abused," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Can My Fiancée And I Cancel Our Wedding After Our Parents Secretly Invited 100 Extra People?
My girlfriend and I had planned to get married on Saturday…
She called the venue and the person she spoke to asked her to confirm some changes she'd apparently made. My girlfriend had no clue what he was talking about, and he reminded her of all the changes that had been put in recently. We had not approved any of these changes…
We think we know what happened. The whole time we were planning the wedding we got pushback from both sets of parents, and the stuff they had the biggest issues with have all been changed. I'm willing to bet that all of this was related to at least one of our respective parents. We don't know anyone who would want to fuck with us or the wedding this badly except our parents, who got pissy when we told them they couldn't financially contribute to the wedding because they were trying to trade their money for whatever wedding stuff they wanted…
We probably won't be speaking to our parents again after this, unless one of them owns up in which case we'll just stop speaking to that one, but this feels like a joint effort as it's dealt with both sets of parent's complaints...
[W]e now have around 200 people attending this wedding in 3 days (our original guest list was about 100 including families and plus ones). People have booked hotels, planes, trains, and are coming from other countries to be here. None of these people have done anything to us and would be getting caught in the crossfire if we were to elope instead.
Would we be the arseholes?
The r/AmItheAsshole subreddit votes that the letter writer and his fiancée would not be assholes if they eloped. "Go ahead elope, but still have the 'reception' for all of the people that the two of you invited so that they can celebrate with you," suggests one of them. Read the rest of their answers (and several updates from the letter writer).
Should I Offer A Stranger Oral Sex As An Incentive To Quit Smoking?
I'm a gay man, and there's a guy I see on the bus who I find attractive in the extreme. I can't keep myself from looking at him. Now here comes the but: He smokes. I've been toying with an idea to convince him to quit. I want to slip a note into his pocket or backpack with the following proposal: "Let's make a deal. You give up cigarettes, and in return I'll give you a blowjob once a week for a year. I'm concerned about your health. Please consider." Other people who ride the bus also smoke, but I'm not inclined to make them the same offer. But it makes me sad knowing this guy smokes, and I want to get him to stop. If this idea is crazy, please say so — it will help me move on.
Dan Savage urges the letter writer to reconsider his plan. "[B]ecause delusional creeps with boundary issues do this sort of thing," he writes, "good and decent guys like you can't do it without being misunderstood." Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get A Friend Who Clearly Rejected Me To Stop Stringing Me Along?
I am a 36-year-old man in love with an amazing woman.
"Carly" and I have known each other since high school. We have held each other up through the roughest times — my divorce and depression, and her ill father and abusive ex-boyfriend. She's beautiful, smart, and great with my kids. I could imagine her as the perfect stepmom to them.
A few weeks ago, I took a chance and expressed my feelings. She rejected me, and then acted as if nothing had happened. She continued texting me regularly and tagging me on social media as though she expected nothing to change.
I asked her to stop contacting me, but that made her irrationally angry. She says I'm throwing away a 20-year friendship, but she is the one throwing it away. She says she "misses" her "best friend," but I have plenty of friends. What I need is a romantic partner…
I don't want to be that guy who the pretty girl strings along, great for helping her move, but too repulsive to touch.
How do I get her to get off the fence, and to either decide that she wants to be with me properly, or to let me go on my way?
"'Carly' isn't on the fence," explains Amy Dickinson. "She is not in love with you. She does not want to be your romantic partner, but she does want to be your friend." Read the rest of her answer.
Why Do Women Stop Having Sex Immediately After Getting Married?
Why do women stop having sex after marriage? This is my second marriage. We have been married two years, and to date we have had sex three times. Before marriage we had a great sex life, but the day I said "I do" it stopped. I'm not the only man who is faced with this problem.
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren pushes back on the idea that this is a common problem. "The two of you are long overdue for a frank conversation because this isn't fair to you," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
