Was I Wrong To Tell A Job Interviewer I Have AIDS (When I Don't), And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Was I Wrong To Lie About Having AIDS During A Job Interview?
I interviewed for my dream job about 1.5 weeks ago, and everything was going pretty well. I felt like I was doing a good job answering the questions, and they asked me about a challenge that I had overcome. I had a roughly prepared answer, and it went smoothly. Then they asked "what is a challenge you are currently dealing with in your life that you have not been able to overcome?"
I was caught off guard and started stumbling a bit. I panicked and said the first thing that came into my head, and told them that I have AIDS. The thing is, I do not have AIDS. The reason this popped into my head is because I was listening to a podcast on the drive to the interview to clear my head, and they were discussing the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Western Africa.
I immediately regretted lying about this, but suddenly I felt like I was in too deep, and I knew that if I told them the truth there was a 0% chance I would get the job. So my lie about my "disease" got more and more detailed, and the interviewers were very sympathetic towards me.
Yesterday they called to tell me I got the job, and I am starting next Monday. I feel sooo guilty about my lie, but I would feel even more ridiculous turning around now and admitting to it. As absurd as it sounds, at this point I am considering pretending that I have AIDS while I am at work, though I will never bring it up unless somebody else does.
The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit generally agree that the letter writer is, indeed, the asshole. "This is going to backfire massively," writes one of them. "It's really telling that your first instinct in a medium-pressure situation is to come up with a fantastical lie." Read the rest of their answers.
How Can I Get Out Of Contributing A Mandatory $60 For A Gift For My Boss?
The company I work for has about 12 employees. The owner of the company asks our manager to go around and collect $60 from each person for us to get a present for her. Around this time, she always makes comments about the type of jewelry she likes, or a new watch she saw.
I have kindly let them know that it is simply not in my budget this year as my spouse changed jobs a month ago and times are tight. When I told them that, they said that it's mandatory and no one is allowed to not participate. I simply don't have the $60. My spouse and I aren't even exchanging gifts this year. Am I causing drama for no reason, or is $60 a lot to ask of an employee?
[The Cut]
Alison Green encourages the letter writer to be more direct in saying no. "Frankly, even insisting on $5 donations for a gift for the boss would be out of line — but demanding $60 from someone who says that it's out of their budget is a whole new level of awful," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Apologize To My Aunt Because My Fiancé Harassed Her Medical Office Before We Met?
My aunt is a doctor. I recently learned that before we were together, my fiancé incessantly messaged her office and wrote negative reviews, all because it didn't support a therapy that very few doctors support — although apparently specialists to whom my aunt has referred people for other issues do support the therapy in question, which seems to be why my fiancé thought he could get things changed. My fiancé is often obsessive, but usually in a way that I like. He sees now that what he did was wrong, and bailed on Thanksgiving so as to avoid seeing my aunt and another relative who works at her office. They knew full well who he was, but never mentioned it, probably because of HIPAA. Should I try to apologize for him?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg advises the letter writer not to apologize on their fiancé's behalf. "If someone who had previously harassed you and your employees over a period of weeks or months without ever demonstrating remorse suddenly became engaged to one of your relatives and avoided you at family events, would you feel meaningfully heartened by an apology from your relative instead of the man who had hurt you?" he asks. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Force My Former Coworker To Be Friends With Me?
When my wife passed away a few years ago, I went into a deep funk and isolated myself from people. I don't have family or close friends nearby, so I reached out to a woman I worked with for many years. There was a definite attraction when we worked together, but we never acted on it. She sent a terse reply saying she was in a long-term relationship and asked me not to write again. (We live 700 miles apart — not exactly conducive to seeing each other.) She's refused to answer my subsequent notes. All I'm trying to do is get back to happier times by rekindling this friendship. Help!
Philip Galanes urges the letter writer to find other sources of support and friendship. "I get that sometimes it's hard to take no for an answer," he writes. "But friendship requires willingness on both sides. There's no way around that." Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Set Boundaries With A Relative Who Trashes Serving Dishes Of Food That She Doesn't Like?
I host all holiday celebrations… With one exception, the crowd seated around the table always seems to enjoy the feast very much.
However, we have one family member, an older woman, who acts like a spoiled toddler at the table: making faces, gagging and spitting out any food that is not to her taste, then loudly announcing the specific reasons she does not care for the food, and what I should have made instead. She has even gone as far as to remove family favorites from the table, throwing plates full of food in the trash, yelling that she is protecting everybody else from being made ill by that horrible slop! …
I try to make sure there are things on the table that she will eat, but she is the only one who wants that stuff, which also makes her very angry. Otherwise, I do my best to ignore the insulting and childish behavior...
How do I keep my temper in check and create some boundaries while still being a good hostess?
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, who jointly write the Miss Manners column, suggest taking the offending relative aside and asking for her help in planning a meal that she will like. "[I]n Miss Manners' experience, there is nothing quite so disarming to a tantrum-prone individual than to be spoken to calmly and rationally — and more important, to be taken seriously," they write. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Appropriate For A Middle School Teacher To Appoint Some Students As 'Bosses' To Manage The Other Students?
My 11-year-old daughter is very bright, works hard, and is generally adored by her teachers.
Recently, one of her teachers pulled aside a small group of students, her being one of them. He told them that he and his co-teacher were like the "bosses" of a workplace, and this group of students were the "star employees." The teachers were assigning each of these "star employee" seventh graders a small group of "lower level" employees — aka, other seventh graders who were deemed to be less bright and shiny.
This group of students is to lead their respective small group in the material that they are learning. By default, this involves quite a bit of "managing" the "second-tier" students. This is going quite poorly for my daughter...
The teacher told the select group, "In the real world, bosses don't like it if you come right to them with a problem. So if you have issues with certain people in your group, you can trade students with your 'co-workers' first." … Am I wrong to think that what this teacher is doing is absurd and inappropriate? Should I do anything?
[Slate]
Carrie Bauer agrees that this is terrible classroom management. "Your daughter's been placed in a very awkward position and certainly won't gain much from this arrangement, but I think her 'second-tier' group members have really been set up to lose," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
