Should I Date The Man I Just Hired As My Sperm Donor, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we’re committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here’s a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Date The Man I Just Hired As My Sperm Donor?
I recently split from my partner when he suggested I terminate my pregnancy, and at four months along I lost the baby. I’m mentally and financially stable enough to be a single parent, so when I lost her, I decided to go down the donor route to try for another baby instead of building another relationship. I met with the donor (just for a drink) after texting every day for a while, and I already felt like there might be something more there. After we met, he confirmed it by voicing everything I’d been thinking. We just really connected, had a lot in common, and found each other very attractive. We kept it professional and arranged for a donation, but the entire time we’ve been talking it’s like excitement to see him completely separate from the excitement of trying to get pregnant.
We met for the donation and it was just instant — we talked for hours, we ordered a take-away, and he ended up staying the night. It felt right, like we’d known each other for years. Now he wants us to date and see if anything comes from it, and he hopes to be a proper father to the baby. I will always keep the door open, but is dating him going to complicate things? If it goes wrong, surely the worst is that I never see him again, which was the original plan anyway. And if he wanted shared custody, that’s fine by me; it’s his child too. He has only donated to a couple of women, years ago, and is a single man with his own home, successful career, etc. He didn’t do this with the previous women and I’m not being naïve: I just want to do what is best for the baby and myself. Any advice is appreciated.
Wendy Atterberry advises the letter writer to slow her roll and treat this man with extreme skepticism. “It’s strange he’s talking about co-parenting with someone he’s only just met — and not just talking about it, but actively trying to make it happen,” she writes. “It is not, as you say, professional.” Read the rest of her answer.
Why Won’t My Sister-In-Law Forgive My Wife For Criticizing Her ‘Hosting Deficiencies’?
“Becky” and I stayed with my brother, “Dan,” and his wife, “Mae.” Becky and I are recently married and this was her first stay at my brother’s place.
Later she texted Mae a thank-you along with some helpful hints about some slight hosting deficiencies — nothing too bad, just that the guest room mattress needs to be replaced, the drain in the bathtub is slow and that a lot of people can’t eat carb-heavy meals first thing in the morning. Becky would sincerely welcome it if someone did this for her and thought she was doing Mae a favor.
Mae is livid and has banned us from visiting. I wish Becky had checked with me before sending the text, but Mae is really overreacting. We were really good guests — we only stayed three days, took everyone out to meals, did all the cleanup after a big meal and always cleaned up after ourselves, so this was a minor annoyance at best.
I said so to Dan when I was explaining that Becky meant no harm, and now he’s mad at me, too. My mom lives with my brother and has asked me to mend fences so Becky and I are welcome to stay there again. Where do I start fixing this mess?
Carolyn Hax rules that the only way forward is for Becky to apologize for criticizing Mae. “Maybe Becky would ‘sincerely welcome’ the same, but that puts her among the thickest-skinned people on Earth,” she writes. “That, or it’s just theoretical and she has never in fact received an itemized list of her hostly deficiencies that her male co-host did not.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Boss To Stop Pretending I’m In Trouble When He’s About To Give Me Good News?
Recently, I was called into an “emergency” meeting with my grandboss, supposedly to discuss budget problems on a program I am leading. This worried me, because I hadn’t thought there were any budget problems, and I hardly ever talk to her (and, wouldn’t expect to, unless something was Very Wrong). When I got there, both my boss and his boss grilled me about the project for a minute or so, before telling me they had lied — we weren’t there to discuss the project at all and in fact they were giving me an award for my performance on it!
A few months ago I got promoted, and a similar thing happened… I was grilled on my goals and projects in a stern way that seemed a bit out of place, and was asked things like “why haven’t you started this yet?” And “how much did you REALLY contribute to that?”… And was surprised with “I’m promoting you!” At the end of the 30-minute meeting. My boss later told me he had been trying to worry me as a joke.
My bosses found both of these things hilarious. And I feel like I should too. But I hate it! I have anxiety issues that I struggle with, and although I think I’m good at masking that, and seeming calm on the surface, I have a hard time calming down after stuff like this…
[T]hese tiny pranks bothered me so much that I was wondering if it was worth saying something (like “please don’t do that again if you care about my mental health! I don’t like it!) Or should I let it go?
Alison Green agrees that these pranks are thoughtless and alienating. “When ‘relief’ is the best case outcome of a joke targeting someone whose paycheck you have authority over, your joke sucks,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Daughter To Stop Dressing Like A Butch Lesbian?
My 15-year-old daughter is dressing and grooming like a butch lesbian. Flannel shirts, Doc Martens, side-cut hair, etc. She maintains (I have asked her directly on more than one occasion) that she is not a lesbian, nor is she trans, this is just how she likes to look. Well, I’m concerned that boys she might be interested in are going to get the wrong idea, or be turned off by her appearance. I’ve offered to take her shopping in hopes of nudging her into slightly more feminine choices, but she’s turned me down each time. What, if anything, can I do?
[Slate]
Nicole Cliffe urges the letter writer to apologize to her daughter and get her a gift certificate to her favorite clothing store. “Cease asking her if she is a lesbian. Cease asking her if she is trans,” she writes. “Do not worry about whether or not boys will be turned off by her side-cut.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Husband To Stop Sleeping With A Piece Of Tape Over His Mouth?
My husband of 42 years discovered a new way of breathing, and it has made me scared to death. I am afraid that he might die in his sleep.
“Charles” had asthma and allergies in his childhood, and he was prescribed all kinds of medication. He mostly outgrew his asthma as an adult, though he would frequently get terrible allergies and take various forms of antihistamines, usually prescribed by his doctor.
But a year ago, someone at his office was talking about the “Buteyko Breathing Technique,” which basically means taking shallow breaths through the nose. It seems that this technique was discovered in the Ukraine years ago and was used to treat people in Russia with asthma and allergies — mainly children — and to help them get off medications…
My concern is at night because he puts a piece of tape over his mouth before he falls asleep, and he sleeps the entire night with that tape on. I am afraid that if his nasal passages were to clog up, and he didn’t know it, he could actually suffocate in his sleep. I have told Charles this, but he only laughs, saying there is no way…
I asked our doctor about it, and she said breathing through the nose is a good idea because the nasal passages filter out germs, but she added that she had never heard of anyone taping their mouth shut to sleep. She did not seem concerned, but she’s not married to the guy.
[Creators]
Annie Lane opines that the husband will not suffocate in his sleep. “Given a choice between mouth breathing and nasal breathing, many experts recommend nasal breathing for the reason your doctor stated,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Why Do People Make Rude Comments When My Twin And I, Who Are 65, Dress Identically?
My twin and I like to dress alike on Sundays, on holidays, when we go out of town, when we go on cruises, and at banquets. We are 65 years of age and very stylish. We were unable to do this when we were raising our children.
Apparently this annoys some people. We have had folks make rude remarks such as, “Are you still dressing alike?” I usually say that I did not get the memo.
Why do people care? Is there a rule out there that says we cannot dress alike at a certain age? We enjoy doing it and have similar tastes.
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin recommend playing a joke on rude commenters. “Look intently at each other’s outfits as if seeing them for the first time, and say in unison, ‘I like your dress,'” they write. “Even the silliest busybody should understand that you dress to please yourselves.” Read the rest of their answer.
