Should I Try To Get Pregnant Without My Boyfriend's Knowledge, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Should I Try To Get Pregnant Even Though My Boyfriend Says He Isn't Ready To Have Kids?
I am 24. My boyfriend is 30. He is a 4th year medical school student aiming to become a surgeon (and highly likely to become one with his test scores so far) and adore him in every single way imaginable. We have been dating for a little over a year and he is the most kind, gentle, smart, honest, loyal, hilarious man I have ever encountered. Basically, he's the perfect human being. He insists he does not want children for five years, but I feel very ready and I feel as though he is as well, even if he does not say so. His father almost died last year and he is not looking too good this year. My mother and my best friend support me, and I believe his family would not be upset if I fell pregnant either.
However, I realize this is a huge decision and I want to talk about it with as many people as I can which, unfortunately, I cannot do in person since this is such a personal topic.
Wendy Atterberry tells the letter writer that they don't have the emotional maturity to be a parent right now. "If you're so ready to have a baby right now… then find someone who is also ready or thinks he is," she writes. "Don't blow up your most-perfect-human-being-ever boyfriend's life with your selfishness." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Fix Things After Accidentally Texting My Employee That I Was Praying For My Other Employee To Leave?
I find myself in a pickle and am a nervous wreck. I have been a manager at a healthcare facility for two years. It has not been easy. The manager before me was stepping down and knew me from my managers group. She badmouthed me during a staff meeting she held with the employees prior to my arrival. It was hell when I arrived. One particular employee undermines everything I say and new rules that I put into place. She is very passive-aggressive and nothing is ever her fault. So I have been fed up with it. I asked my sister, who is a minister, to put a request on her prayer list. The request was to remove this employee and any other problem employees from the facility and to make the facility peaceful. Well, that message was sent to an employee with a similar sounding name, and she showed it to the employee. I have let my boss know of my error and feel like a complete idiot. What should I do, and can I get fired for this?
Alison Green says that the real problem here is the letter writer's refusal to actively manage their employees. "Apologize to the employee for the message and tell her you've erred in being hands-off when you should have been actively working on problems with her," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Am I A Jerk For Accurately Identifying My Ex As The Father Of Our Child On Facebook?
My ex, Josh, and I have a five year old son, Alex. We split when Alex was a year old, and we decided I'd have primary custody because he moved in with a bunch of roommates, but he asked to have Alex every other weekend.
Well, Josh paid child support, but he kept making excuses every weekend as to why he couldn't have Alex overnight… He didn't see Alex at all from ages 2-4.
Last year, his roommate situation changed, he distanced himself from his toxic friend group, and his parents were putting pressure on him, so Josh asked if he could have Alex for one weekend a month… And it's been great, Alex loves his dad and they have a great time together, and Josh expressed interest in having him over more weekends now…
Except… I'm not a big social media person, but I checked Facebook in December and noticed that Josh has been posting a lot of pictures of Alex over the last year… and he never indicated that Alex was his son. He keeps calling him his 'friend' or 'his little buddy.' Someone even asked who Alex was and he said, "He's my little bud!" Something about this rubbed me the wrong way. I feel like I've been incredibly 'chill' about this process, maybe moreso than I should have, but the fact that he isn't even claiming Alex as his son is really shitty. I was worried he wasn't even telling his friends that this was his kid.
So, next time he posted Alex, I commented basically saying, 'I'm glad Alex is having a great time with his dad!' and proved my hypothesis; everyone was like, 'You have a kid???' 'This is your kid???' 'You never mentioned having a kid!'
Josh was furious at me, deleted the post when he saw it, and basically said it's his business to tell his friends and social circle about his life. My sister also said I was being petty, but she said I have an excuse because he's been so absent. Was it an asshole move to 'out' him like this?
Most of the commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit agree that Josh is the jerk here. "I cannot find any justification for him to not claim his child," writes one of them. "That's weird and he should not be angry that you aren't letting him hide away from being a father." Read the rest of their answers.
How Can I Convince My Siblings Our Sister Deserves A Vacation After Decades Of Unpaid Caregiving?
My sister "Dana" spent decades taking care of our disabled sister, which meant Dana and her family sacrificing greatly to provide for her care. The rest of us siblings live out of town and shared none of the responsibility.
Our disabled sister passed away recently, leaving an estate that is now in probate. I suggested to my other siblings that before the estate is divided equally, we should set aside enough for Dana and her husband to take a long-overdue and well-deserved vacation. It's something I know Dana has been longing for, but they won't hear of it!
I can't believe my siblings are acting this way. They say Dana can take a vacation on what she inherits, but that's not the point. While we all had free weekends and could take vacations, Dana was extremely limited because our disabled sister couldn't travel and needed a caregiver. How do I change my siblings' view?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren points out that this scenario is exactly why people should write wills. "Your sentiments are laudable, but there is no way to force your greedy siblings into doing anything for Dana," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Respond When My Friend Complains On Social Media About Not Being Invited To Parties I Go To?
I have an amazing group of friends and neighbors with whom I love to enjoy outings, parties and events. Depending on the host, venue or situation, the guest list is not always under my control. A lot of these gatherings get posted on social media.
A childhood friend of mine, who knows none of the other ladies, comments on the social media posts that her feelings were hurt that she did not get invited, and that she must not be very much fun.
I'm at a loss as to how to respond. I have told her before that it wasn't up to me who to invite, it wasn't my home, or I could only invite very limited guests. This does not seem to stop her from commenting.
She does not live in our area, she does not know any of the other ladies, and it makes me feel terrible. Am I in the wrong?
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin urge the letter writer not to feel terrible. "[M]ature people should come to terms with the fact that they are not likely to be included in everything," they write. "And in this case, it is especially unrealistic of your friend to pout about not being invited to strangers' parties." Read the rest of their answer.
May I Knock On A Stranger's Door To Ask About A Painting I Can See Through Their Window?
I like to go for walks around my neighborhood at night. Through the windows of a neighbor's house, I've noticed a beautiful, powerful painting hanging on the wall. It's easy to see from the street at night when the lights are on indoors — which is often. I would love to know the name of the artist, but I've had no luck searching for the painting online. I also have no idea who lives in the house. Would it be O.K. to knock on the door and ask about the painting? (I'm 30 years old and six feet tall, for reference.)
Philip Galanes suggests leaving a note in the neighbor's mailbox instead of knocking on their door. "Apologize for the intrusion, report your admiration for the painting, which you've seen from the street, and ask the owner to call or email with the artist's name," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
