r/TwoXChromosomes: You are the community. You have all the power of the internet to mold it.

My most recent ex had told me really early on that he loved going down on women. "Perfect!" I thought, because I love when anyone goes down on me and it's the only way I can achieve orgasm. When we started having oral sex, he needed some coaching on how to actually get me there. It took probably 4-5 separate attempts--he just wouldn't listen to me. I, as gently but directly as I could, kept telling him I need repetitive motions, but instead he kept flicking his tongue different ways, sucking and licking at totally different pressures, there was literally no consistency to his motions at all. I couldn't focus on having an orgasm because there was so much happening at once, it was like a sensory overload. Once we eventually got me to finish, our sex life changed. He started basically only wanting to have quickies in the middle of the night. At first it was super hot, but I realized our orgasm ratio was like, easily 1:5. I think in the six months we dated, he went down on me fewer than 12 times, and to orgasm maybe 5. I was so frustrated, but other parts of our relationship were good, and I thought I was in it for the long haul, so I stayed.

When we broke up, he told me he dreaded giving me oral (yes, he actually used that exact phrasing), told me it made his jaw hurt, and made comments about how difficult it was to get me to finish. I tried to be accommodating, saying maybe we could use a vibrator to make it easier, we could try changing the position to make it more comfortable for him, but he wasn't interested. He made me feel bad about my body and for wanting to be able to orgasm, and for a couple months, I wondered if I really was just too "high-maintenance" when it came to oral. I was worried that I'd have issues in the future.

Fast forward to last night, a guy I've been seeing and I had sex for the first time. And he actually listened to me and he made me orgasm from oral in 10 minutes. I started laughing hysterically when it was over, poor guy probably thought I was nuts hahaha. I explained to him how I had been worried that what I needed to orgasm was too much, and he reassured me that he loved doing it and he loved my reaction. It just feels so validating--I was never asking for too much, my ex just didn't care about making me feel good. And I don't need to compromise my own pleasure in the future.